No More Plus Size … eventually

Once again it’s been forever since I’ve wrote here. Once again I’m right back at square one (meaning I’ve gained ALL the lost weight plus some back – sigh, hanging my head in shame). Life has been C-R-A-Z-Y. Crazy! There has been some other crap in my life that has needed demanded my attention so this blog and my healthy lifestyle (lack thereof I should say – seems how I haven’t exactly been living one) have been pushed to the back burner.

I am finally starting to get a grip on the other crap that has needed my attention – the key being starting to, it’s still taking a lot of my time, focus and attention – and I’m really beginning to get down on myself about my weight/health. I keep beating myself up that once again (several months ago) I quit. Will I ever stop giving up? Will I ever stop quitting? Don’t I owe it to myself to take care of me, to be healthy?

Yes, I do owe it to myself to be healthy. I do owe it to myself to take care of me. I do owe it to myself to put me first. I know I have to stop giving up. I also know I have to stop beating myself up over all the times I have quit/given up. But it’s really hard not to kick myself when I keep thinking that if I had just stayed the course every one of these times (that I’ve given up/quit) I’d have been at goal weight…not right back at square one (fat, unhealthy, miserable and just plain ole ‘hating life’).

So, with that being said once again I’m back at the beginning and need all the encouragement I can get. I don’t know how I’m going to change all the things I need to change about my unhealthy lifestyle but like the other crap in my life that has been demanding my attention for several months I’m going to do like I have been with that – one day at a time, one minute at a time if need be!

So, I guess it’s really going to be all about baby steps. The first thing I need to work on is the water drinking thing. I’m so addicted to Diet Coke that there are days I go without drinking any water and only DC (like today!). I know that’s super unhealthy so that’s my first goal – to start drinking some water and cut back on the Diet coke.

Trip to Daytona Beach November 22, 2010

Technically it should be seven more sleeps cause I should be sleeping right now but I’m not and it’s 1am which technically makes it Sunday morning now. So that means only six more sleeps and then I’m leaving on a jet plate….err, ok so I’m not flying this year. But I don’t care about the transportation. I just care that I’ll be on my way to my favorite place – the ocean (Daytona Beach to be exact!).

This year has been a bit on the rough side. Don’t get me wrong – I know things could be way worse. But 2012 hasn’t been turning out as planned. It’s been one thing after the other. I’m learning to just take things day by day. Heck, sometimes the best I can do is take it minute by minute.

I’m looking forward to a week away. A week in the one place that calms me, soothes me, relaxes me, provides peace and just makes me feel like everything will all work out is exactly what I need right about now.

When we went in November 2010 the weather was a bit icky – rainy and cold. I’ve been obsessively checking the weather for this year and it’s supposed to be in the 80′s all week which will be awesome compared to the weather we had for our last visit!

There’s been some recent shark attacks in New Smyrna Beach which my sister pointed out is only like 14 miles (or minutes) from Daytona Beach…I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make me a little nervous! lol

Anyways…six more sleeps & I’m heading for fun in the sun! This is one of my fave pics from our 2010 trip and I hope I capture some more fun pics this year!

The Kiddo Jumping Waves - Daytona Beach, Florida November 2010

10 Reasons You Should Eat Chocolate

If you’re ‘dieting’ or on a healthy living journey then you probably avoid chocolate at all costs. More than likely you have a belief that chocolate isn’t good for you. Believe it or not research actually has proven that it can be as effective as some drugs in preventing different ailments. However, it can’t be just any chocolate – the chocolate that is healthy has to have at least 60-75% cocoa during the production process.

Here are ten reasons you should enjoy chocolate:

1. Blood Circulation – Once you consume chocolate, it can actually improve the circulation of blood to the brain for up to three hours. Chocolate is full of flavonoids and that helps dilate the blood vessels which allows more blood to flow through.

2. Decrease Heart Disease – Consuming dark chocolate reduces the risk of heart disease by up to 10%.

3. Mood – Ladies, we aren’t full of it when we say that chocolate cures our bad mood! Research shows that our euphoria is increased by the phenylethylamine that is found in the chocolate!  Chocolate has been known to give people the same sensations that alcohol gives!

4. Fights Fatigue – If you consume approximately 50 grams a day, it has been shown to help fight off chronic fatigue.

5. Reduce Diabetes Risk – It might not make sense that chocolate would help reduce your risk for diabetes but it does. Because of the flavonoids found in it, it increases the amount of sugar in your blood which helps reduce the risk of diabetes.

6. Helps Combat Coughing – This is an interesting fact but chocolate has been shown to actually help reduce coughing. There is a chemical that is found in the cocoa used to make the chocolate that has been proven to be just as effective in combating a cough than that of an over the counter cough medicine.

7. Cholesterol Levels – Again, this might surprise you but chocolate has been shown to decrease the bad cholesterol and increase the good cholesterol levels. This is because it contains antioxidants.  Yep, you read that right – chocolate actually contains antioxidants!

8. Love Life – Because chocolate increases blood flow to different vital organs it’s been known to improve your love life.

9. PMS – It’s no secret that women around the world turn to chocolate during that time of month! Ladies, take note it’s not just in our ‘heads’ when we think chocolate helps ease some of our PMS symptoms. Research has shown that because chocolate contains magnesium and iron, that is does help reduce PMS symptoms.

10. Life Span – Last but certainly not least, another reason you should enjoy chocolate is because research has shown that people who indulge moderately live a year longer than those who don’t!

Well, there you have it – 10 reason you should be enjoying chocolate! Just remember, it needs to be chocolate that has at least 60-75% cocoa during the production process.

photo credit: Niloco

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me

I hate that saying because it’s so not true. Well, sure sticks and stones may break bones but words do hurt! I was just out enjoying my first bike ride of the season (I only made it 2.33 miles but for my first time out I think that’s fairly decent!)  when a car full of teenage boys drove by. One of them not so kindly yelled out the car window:

“hey lady, get your fat a** off that bike before you pop the tires!”

You know, I know I’m big – ok I know I’m fat. But good grief I don’t need other people, especially some young punk, telling me too. I have bad enough self-esteem issue as it is by my own negative self-talk. I tried to just shrug it off and not let it bother me but it made me cry. Thankfully I had sunglasses on so people I passed didn’t realize I was crying.

I so badly want to get to the point where I don’t care what people say about me. It stinks that my feelings get hurt so easily. And why do people think that (1) it’s ok to say rude things, (2) to put someone down that’s out there exercising?

This isn’t the first time I’ve had teens say something mean to me. It just makes me sad that I’m out there being active and that’s not good enough apparently. Our society is so focused on girls needing to be stick thin to be beautiful. I’ll never be stick thin – even in my skinniest days I was still a size 10/12. I am built with a large frame (I guess that’s how you say it) – I have very wide shoulders, wide hips, etc. I’m not built to be stick thin nor do I want to be like that.

Why can’t people understand that just because you’re a bigger person doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy exercising like taking walks or bike rides? I love riding my bike and taking walks. Is that such a bad thing? Apparently for these teen boys it was a bad thing

Well, here it is my 37th birthday. Yikes! I’m not fond of birthdays…haven’t been since I turned 30. Thankfully this year I’m not nearly as emotional as I was when I hit 30. lol

Yes I know age is only a number but the older I get and closer to 40 I get the more I dislike my birthdays. I suppose that’s normal. Does anyone really like getting older?

I over indulged on chocolate with peanut butter frosting cupcakes and peanut butter ice cream this weekend. My mom made the cupcakes and brought them to me with the ice cream on Saturday. I’d like to say I practiced self-control but uhm that didn’t happen…not even close! lol But then my dad took the kiddo & I out to dinner Saturday night at Subway and I ate somewhat healthy there…that hast to count for something right?

Tonight I am going out with friends. The festivities start around 6:30pm where a local restaurant gives you a free meal on your birthday. Then after that I’m not sure what we’re doing or where we’re going. I’m just looking forward to not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself that I’m now 3 years away from the big 4-0!

If you read my recent post Broken Heart: Taking Time to Grieve a Break Up you know I just went through a break up.  And yes, this is another post that has nothing to do with weight loss, healthy living, etc but hey it’s my blog right so I can post about whatever So anyways I was watching the Grammy’s last night and Katy Perry performed a song I’d never heard by her before Part of Me. The chorus of the song totally hit home with me and the recent break up – here’s the chorus:

This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

Then of course I wanted to know the rest of the song so I had to look it up and I liked it. It just all kind of hit home with me and reminding me that no man is worth letting them break my soul/break me. So here’s the rest of the song:

Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
‘Cause you chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
That was then and this is now
Now look at me

CHORUS

I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
‘Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep and you let me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

CHORUS

Now look at me, I’m sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won’t ever put me out again
I’m glowing, oh woah oh
You can keep the dog from me
I never liked him anyway
In fact you can keep everything
Yeah, yeah
Except for me

CHROUS

Ok, so yes I’m a dork and sometimes songs ‘speak’ to me. I’m sure you probably know what I’m saying…so what is a song that recently ‘spoke’ to you?

My self esteem has always been next to nothing. When you grow up hearing “you have such a pretty face, if only you would lose weight” it’s kind of hard to love yourself. I grew up believing that no one would ever love me if I wasn’t skinny. I’m 36 (almost 37…blech!) and to do this day I still have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and loving me for me, flaws and all.

My sister in law is a photographer (an amazing one at that!) and decided that she would try something different to see what kind of response she got from women in our area. She decided to offer a mini Boudoir photography shoot. Let me stop right here and say that if you don’t know what a Boudoir photography shoot is it’s a ‘naughty’ shoot. Now let me say I was never NAKED and my pictures were not RACY at all. You are in charge of what you feel comfortable doing and I wasn’t comfortable doing a whole lot of skin!

I figured if there was one way to learn to accept me flaws and all it was to have a photo shoot done. Even my make up was completely different than anything I would ever do – it was totally out of my comfort zone. Yes even something as simple as make up can be out of your comfort zone! There was a girl there doing it and I wasn’t sure at first how I felt about what she had done but once I saw a few of the pictures I couldn’t believe it was even me. I looked amazing!

My self esteem issues weren’t instantly cured and I still have body image issues but that photo shoot made me look at myself in a whole new light! I walked out of there with my head held higher, a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I realized a couple things that day of the photo shoot and on the way home tears fell down my face…

So, what did I realize that made me cry?

• I’m beautiful.
• I’m big but I’m beautiful!
• My body is unique and it’s beautiful.

Sure I’ve always known that I was big but suddenly that day I had an epiphany and realized that I am lovable and beautiful even though I am big. (I don’t even know how to put it into words to explain what I’m trying to say).

Here are a couple pictures from my session
(if you click on them, the full size image will open in a new window)

I haven’t gotten the CD yet with all the other photos on it yet – I can’t wait to see them all!

photo credit: ba1969

Having a broken heart from a break up just plain sucks. It doesn’t matter if you were with someone 2 months or 2 years, when your heart gets broke it hurts regardless of the time spent in the relationship.

This week has been rough. Actually the last several weeks have been rough. Trouble in ‘paradise’ with the boyfriend over the last several weeks came to a head on Monday and we ended things…or I should say he ended them. And in a not very mature way! Ironically, I had made the decision on Sunday (Super Bowl) that I couldn’t put up with things anymore because I deserved to be treated better than I was being treated and planned on letting him know that when he got off work Monday we needed to talk. Well he beat me to it and ended up taking the easy way out & dumped me via text message.

I was pissed about the text message break up. Not only is that a super immature way to handle the situation, I feel like I deserved a lot more respect than that. But considering the way things had been going and a couple different incidences, it’s not surprising that this is how he did it.

So…while there wasn’t a lot to ‘grieve’ over the break-up there was still 2 months of my heart and my time invested into this relationship. So, yes it hurt. I shed quite a few tears, heard a lot of things I didn’t want to hear (gotta love small town living where everyone knows your business) and decided I needed a few days out of town to ‘grieve’ and clear my head… (more…)

I haven’t done Zuma as much as I wanted. But I’ve done it enough to know that I really enjoy it and would love to have a workout DVD I could do at home. Angie over at Losing It And Loving It has a Zumba Workout DVD contest giveaway going on right now and I’m writing this post as part of the entry process.

So, here’s to hoping I win

I hate hate hate having yearly exams done. It’s not pleasant being poked and prodded the way we get poked & prodded during the exam. I have a confession – it’s been over 2 years since I had my last one done. I always use the excuse that I can’t afford to have them done because I don’t have insurance. Yeah, it’s an excuse and a crock of crap. Here in Michigan they have health departments that are very reasonably priced and if you meet certain income guidelines your exams are free. And there are even some doctor offices that work on what’s called a sliding scale fee so they base what you pay on what you make. So the point is – there’s never a reason for me to NOT have a yearly exam done.

So I went. I dealt with the poking and prodding but was a bit concerned when there was a heck of lot of poking going on with my “girls”, the “tatas”…you know boobs. I’m very well endowed (lol that’s putting it nicely) in that department so I don’t know what feels normal and what doesn’t (ok so I don’t exactly do self-breast exams regularly like I should but once in awhile I do).

She felt several lumps that were a bit ‘concerning’ so I spent a week in ‘what if’, freak out mode. Because of different things relating to my cycle and blah blah blah she wanted me to come back in for a follow-up this week to see if there was any change before sending me in for an ultrasound or mammogram.

I’m thankful to say that today things were better than they were the week before. As of right now she’s not concerned with the lumps (and in fact most of them were gone) but set up a follow-up appointment for April 18th so she can check them again. Then we’ll go from there. Let’s just say I’m breathing a huge sigh of relief…

If you haven’t had a recent exam I urge you to call and make an appointment NOW. I used to think it was better to not know if something was wrong but that’s not the case. Oftentimes the key to surviving something as serious as breast cancer (or whatever it may be) is early detection! I’m glad that I’m being monitored and followed up with on a regular basis just to make sure that nothing changes or becomes something that has to be biopsied, etc.  It’s scary to go through something like this but at the same time it just reminded me how short life really can be and to live each and every day to the fullest.

My new motto is:

Live every moment
Laugh every day
Love beyond words

All this to say: ladies, feel your tatas! Learn what’s normal. Learn what’s not!