No More Plus Size … eventually

After my I Have Given Up Post I sat here and cried for awhile. I felt miserable that I was even thinking, let alone writing, that I was choosing failure as an option because that is NOT what I want!

A couple people made the comment that they didn’t think I was giving up because if I was I wouldn’t have wrote the post. I think they were right! I don’t think I have truly given up. I think I’m just in a slump right now and have to push through it and work my way through it.

But this post isn’t about me…it’s about YOU!

I have to tell you all how much you amaze me!

I’m at a low point right now and you all came along with words of kindness, love, support and encouragement! It really shows that our community pulls together to lift one another up and help hold each other accountable. And it amazes me even more that so many of you have come to encourage me, love me and lift me up right now because I’ve been a bad blogger friend – I’m so far behind on reading blog posts or the few that I have read I haven’t commented on. So I just want to say a HUGE thank you to each and every one of you for coming along and picking me up right now when I’m going through such a low point!

I’m not 100% back on track with my eating or exercising but I’m taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. If I eat something ‘bad’ I don’t get down on myself. I move on and try to make better decisions for snacks and meals after that. It’s challenging getting back on track but I’m going to do whatever it takes…thanks to all of you for making me realize I can’t give up and that I haven’t truly given up.

Thank you for supporting me through the highs and the lows of this journey!

It’s so easy to ignore this blog when I’m not completely 100% on board the healthy lifestyle/exercise train…and I haven’t been since Memorial Day Weekend which has been almost 1 full month now.

I feel crappy. I’m tired. I think about food 24/7 again. I eat one meal only to think about when and what the next one will be. I eat crap – fried foods, chips, junk, etc – again all the time. I crave sugar. I’m moody (that has to do with more than just my diet…I have some health issues right now causing my hormones to be all out of whack) and once again I’m finding the only thing that makes me happy is when I’m eating. I pig out in secret – when no one’s around to question or call me out on it.

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This time of year tends to be a bittersweet time of year for me. You see my son has been spending a lot of time (last summer it was 6 straight weeks!) the last few years with his dad during the summer. So while I’m always sad to see him go I also look forward to the break (I used to feel like a bad mom for saying I needed a break or looked forward to a break but not anymore…parenting, especially single parenting is H-A-R-D! While I wouldn’t trade it for the world, these breaks are something I need so that I can ‘regroup’ and take some much needed ME time).

This time around I’m really looking forward to the break because I’m going to start some seriously intense gym time! I’ve set a goal of going 5 days a week…that’s more than I’ve done so far. I’m looking forward to having the ‘free’ time to go to the gym as frequently and at what ever time I want. I have no doubt that going 5 days a week won’t be a problem because I still love the gym and working out there.

While I will miss my son this summer I need this ‘break’ more than ever right now. I have got to get back on track with making me and my health a priority! I’ve let it slip lately and it’s time to be ‘selfish’ again and focus on me!

My son leaves for his dad’s this evening so I’ll be hitting the gym later tonight and am going to log some serious mileage on the elliptical and treadmill tonight!

P.S. That pic above is from May 7th after a seriously intense workout (I LOVE all the sweat!!!! lol) at the gym.

Man oh man have I got to get a grip! My eating is OUT OF CONTROL! Last week I had a 0.6 lb loss (still haven’t even posted my weekly weigh in post for last week) and honestly I can’t even tell you how I managed that. Only thing I can say is that the fact that I’m still in love with the gym and working out must have saved my butt from the gain I should have seen on the scale!

Ever since Memorial Day weekend my eating has been way off the charts! Actually it started before that when I started having a few dates with M that I mentioned before (I won’t go into details as to what has happened but let’s just say he isn’t someone I was willing to have in my life anymore so I stopped seeing him). Obviously our dates centered around eating out and I started letting myself slip and order whatever I wanted. And that snowballed into allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted over Memorial Day weekend thinking I would just get back on track as soon as Monday rolled around. I did good for a day or two….and then I went right back down hill

It’s really hard for me to admit this but I’ve fallen back into some of my old eating habits – pigging out in ‘secret’ when no one is around, eating greasy, fried, bad food, eating sugar…just eating all the old stuff I used to eat that made me so miserable!

I tried fasting for 24 hours to get all the garbage out of my system and I was such a witch with a capital B by the time the 4th or 5th hour rolled around that I couldn’t even stand myself and gave in and pigged out.

I’ve worked so stinking hard to lose this weight! I do NOT want to go back to where I was at before but if I don’t get a grip on things that is EXACTLY where I’m heading!

So I’m asking you. No I’m begging you please please give me some tips/pointers on how to get things under control again!

Today was my son’s 5th grade field trip – 18 holes of miniature golf and then a 2 hour raft trip down the Sturgeon River. If you remember, I wrote a post awhile back about being paranoid about volunteering to go with his class because I was nervous about whether the life jacket would fit me or not.

At the time it certainly seemed like a legitimate fear. I may have lost 56 pounds but I’m still big and well let’s just say I was overly blessed in the chest department.

I was a bit surprised when I put the life jacket on today and it fit just fine. That was a huge non scale victory for me…just last summer I couldn’t take my son and a couple other kids paddle boating while on a camping trip because I couldn’t fit into a life jacket at all! It was nice to put that life jacket on today and even have room left!

I never realized you could have so much fun with a group of 5th graders! The rafting trip was a blast! We were in a raft and there was myself, one other mom and 3 boys. The boys of course thought it was fun to steer us into all the logs and low hanging trees, a few times we got stuck but it was so much fun!

We came home exhausted and with some scrapes from the branches but my son and I can’t wait to go back again!

It was a little depressing stepping on the scale and seeing a gain – even though I knew it was coming! I totally slacked off over the Holiday weekend, pretty much eating whatever I wanted. Add to that drinking a few beers (not sure that 4 beers over the weekend had a huge effect but to some extent I’m sure those empty calories did NOT help the situation!) and no exercise and well like I said I knew a gain was coming!

Regardless of the fact I knew a gain was coming it was still really depressing. This is my very first gain in all this time! That was a bit hard to swallow. Thankfully the gain was very minimal and for that I am thankful!

So without further adue….this week’s weigh in (Week 21)

Updated Stats:

Last Week’s Weigh In: 257.2
This Week’s Weigh In: 257.4
Total GAIN This Week: 0.2 lbs
Beginning Weight (1/4/2010): 313.2

Total Loss To Date: 56.2 lbs

How was your weigh in this week?

P.S. Be sure to check out the final tracking report for the plus size bloggers! They’re gearing up for a new tracking contest over there so be on the lookout for it!