I’m Sick
16 Mar
Binging and purging (also known as bulimia or bulimia nervosa) isn’t something I “hear” a lot of people talk about. I think it has such a negative connotation, just like all eating disorders do, that people are afraid to talk about it. It’s embarrassing talking about and admitting you have a problem. People with eating disorders are also often told not to talk about it.
I’m going to share something with you and it’s really hard to. I started a video sharing the things I’m going to share here but I couldn’t keep myself pulled together enough to finish the video. At least when you’re crying you can still type …
I’m sick …
Not in a physical sense … more emotional than anything. I’ve debated over and over about sharing this post. I’ve been honest about the struggles with food except for one thing – binging and purging. I’ve mentioned in the past about how I used to have a big problem with this (college days) and how once in awhile I struggle with the urge to do it.
The past few days the urge to do it has won. I’ve been binging and purging a lot. Just yesterday I had 3 different binging and purging episodes. I’m not thrilled this issue has made an appearance in my life again. I already have enough food issues without adding this to it.
I really thought Weight Watchers and trying to cut out things (sugars, white food – white bread, white flour, etc) would work. But the binging, compulsive eating, etc has been the worst it’s ever been. When this urge comes over me it’s like this…I don’t even know how to describe it.
As a Christian, I know that my faith in God will get me through all this but I’ve also made the decision to start talking to a counselor. I have to talk to someone on a regular basis that is trained to help people sort out their feelings, emotions, etc and is equipped to help me learn coping mechanisms for the emotions I’m trying to stuff with food.
I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately and panic attacks. My heart constantly races, I’m always on edge and sleep…well that’s next to nothing (note – I’ve always had sleep problems but lately this too has been the worst it’s ever been).
My "Baby" and I - January 17, 2011
I have a lot of things going on in my life but the biggest thing is that I’m not coping well with the fact my son will be moving in with his dad, step mom and baby brother in June when school gets out. He’s also recently been diagnosed with some learning disabilities and that has been really hard to accept/come to terms with also.
My son is 12 and I’ve always had him living with me since 6 days before his 1st birthday when I left his dad.
I feel like my identity is being ripped from me…I’ve made being a mom, a single mom, my identity for the last 12 years. I feel like I don’t know who I am because I’ve put so much emphasis on being a mom. I’m scared about not having my son around anymore except 4 days a month. I’m scared that I’m going to eat myself to death in his absence because I won’t know how to fill that void of not having him here. (let me just say that his dad is a wonderful dad, his step mom is a great step mom and it’s going to be a great environment for my son…and this is for the best I just have to learn to accept that).
So, all that to say that eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and I’m not embarrassed to admit that I have a problem and need help.
If you’re struggling too … please reach out and seek help! Here’s a list of self-help books I found on Amazon but I still recommend you seek professional help!
Bulimia Resources:
(just a few of thousands)
Books:
- Overcoming Bulimia: Your Comprehensive, Step-By-Step Guide to Recovery (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
- Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery
- Learning to Be Me: My Twenty-Three-Year Battle with Bulimia
Forums:
I’m so glad you’re getting help. I have two sisters who have struggled with bulemia for a long time. It’s brave of you to share it and I do believe it’s a big step in healing.
These are big changes coming your way. It’s wonderful that you can allow your son to have this new experience. I’m hoping and praying you get the support you need to make this time one of positive transformation for yourself as well.
big, big,big hugs… I’m not letting go yet… more hugs..
okay..
Teresa – Definitely big changes coming my way. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the whole bulimia thing. I stopped doing it before because I started throwing up blood and it scared the living crap out of me but the issue has always been there and I go through phases of binging and purging every so often…why now is one of those times I don’t know. But…it’s time to get this and everything else all sorted out for good!
Tishia, I am so glad to hear you are seeking help. Being a Christian and admitting you need help is not a bad thing. Getting counseling and seeking help isn’t a “sin” it’s not something to be looked down upon. I had to go through counseling last year because the things I was feeling, dealing with, keeping inside, and coping with were just to big for me to handle even with God on my side. I am so happy to hear you are taking the steps needed to better yourself. You are such an amazing woman and you are so strong! God will pull you through this! You’ve also got a great support system of friends and family that love you dearly.
Hang in there girl! I am praying for you everyday =)
Briana – Thanks for commenting. Thank you for the prayers, I need those more than you know. I’ve never viewed counseling as “sin” or something Christians couldn’t do, this isn’t the first time I’ve sought the help of a counselor. I think it’s good to have someone that doesn’t know you, and an open mind about things because they don’t know you and can help you talk through and sort through your feelings/emotions/etc. Even though I’m going to be getting counseling, God is still where I’ll go FIRST for my needs.
I’m glad you are seeking help. Try looking at your son going to this new environment as an opportunity for you to focus on getting healthy and going from a great Mom to an even better and healthier one. I agree if you have this kind of issue you are struggling with, things like weight watchers and cutting carbs won’t help. It obviously goes deeper than that and counseling and Christ will see you through. Keep your chin up!
Tracy – Thank you for commenting. I’m still trying to follow the Weight Watchers program…it’s just kind of hard when I have so many binge episodes to track all those points.
Tishia,
I am very glad you are not only seeking help for this dangerous problem but are also talking about it here. Believe it or not the admitting this openly like this is a first step to stopping it. You’re a beautiful person and a wonderful mom who is willing to do what it takes to make your son’s life better. I don’t know if this will help but I read a story recently about a mom who had the children live with the dad and it worked out so much better for them all.
One of my daughters lives and has lived with her father for a long time and it’s always been hard but it’s also the best thing for her. I’m sure you know many moms who refuse to do the best thing for their children and even keep them away from their fathers for no good reason! So, you’re way far ahead of many moms who puts her son first.
Now, you’ve got to start putting you first. (((((hugs))))
Love,
Steph
Steph – Thanks for your comment. In the past when I had an issue with the binging and purging I was doing it so frequently that I started throwing up blood and thankfully it scared me enough that I stopped immediately…but only for awhile. This issue pops up in my life every once in awhile and unfortunatley it’s here again and something I HAVE to deal with. It was hard going public and admitting that I’m struggling with this but it was time. It’s time to work through this and deal with it once and for all.
I know in my heart that Caleb moving in with his dad is going to be the best thing for our relationship. It’s just going to take a lot of getting used to. I think I remember you sharing with me before that one of your daughters lived with her dad and has lived with him for a long time.
I’m constantly reminding myself how lucky Caleb is to have a dad that is such a huge part of his life and wants him living with him – some kids aren’t that fortunate and have dads (or moms) that want nothing to do with them!
You are so courageous for writing this post. I’m glad that you were able to get all of this out. I’m also really glad that you’re going to start talking to a counselor, because it sounds like you could use someone to talk all of these thoughts through and get some guidance from.
No matter where your son lives, you are his mother. Nothing will ever change that.
Take care!
Hi Bella. Thanks for commenting. I don’t feel courageous…I just know that if my story can help just ONE person then I’m so glad I took the step and went public with this.
Applause!!! thanks so much for sharing – It’s unbelievable to think that someone who is Overweight [not normal weight or under weight] could use binging and purging as a way to control their weight – IT does happen.
I too had a problem in college and it lasted until just after I was pregnant with my last son. [prior though I lost a pregnancy due to my issues] I didn’t stop after losing that pregnancy either – I only got lost further. It was with my last pregnancy that I stopped literally overnight.
Thing is when I stopped using that form of control, I gained weight because I no longer had that to compensate.[I still had the binges]
You are so blessed with the people in your life and the fact that YOu can heal by seeking out the help you need.
keep fighting for YOU.
Sara – I think so many people don’t realize that yes even fat people can be affected by eating disorders too! I replied to your comment on FB but I’ll mention it again – I’m sorry to hear about the loss of a pregnancy. That had to of been so hard to deal with and go through. I’m definitely blessed to have so many awesome supportive people in my life!
Now I just have to learn and believe that I am WORTH fighting for!
Just catching up on my blog reading after having been away all last week. I’m glad that you’re “coming out” and being honest with yourself (and everyone) about what’s going on with you. Please, please seek out professional help…both for you and for your son. You both deserve better than this.
As always, I’m only an email away.
*hugs*
Thanks Momma Sunshine. Yep, my son definitely deserves to have a healthy mom and I need to learn that I deserve to be well and healthy too!