How Am I Going To Get Through This?
9 Jun
Sitting here and writing is my attempt to not go eat everything in sight. It’s my attempt to not let my son see me having an emotional breakdown again. It’s my attempt to work through my emotions when I feel like there’s no one I can talk to.
Recently I shared that my 12 year old (he’ll be 13 in September) son was going to be moving in with his dad, step mom & baby brother soon. Well soon has come…at 7:30 Saturday night I’ll be dropping him off knowing he won’t be coming back home except for 4 days a month. 4 days. 4 freaking days a month. How the he** am I supposed to do this?
I thought I was being the best parent by letting my son make this decision (and besides even if I would have said no, at 12 the judge lets the child make this decision as long as the other parent is a suitable parent & has a good/healthy environment for the child to go to). I thought I was doing the right thing by pushing my feelings aside. I thought I was doing the right thing by pretending I was ok with this. I thought I was doing the right thing by talking about how ‘excited’ I was to start having less responsibility as a parent and to be the ‘fun’ parent from now on. I thought…I don’t know what I was thinking.
I’m an emotional wreck right now! But for the most part I’ve been hiding my tears from my son. Until last night. I broke down when he went to bed last night and we sat there talking. He said it was going to be so different at his dad’s not having me there to do prayers with him at night and ‘tuck’ him in. (I’m sure he’d be thrilled if he knew I was publicly sharing that at 12 he has his mom “tuck” him into bed).
I have so many emotions running through me right now that I don’t even know how to handle them or deal with them. I want to scream NO, NO YOU CAN’T GO at the top of my lugs. I want to tell his dad and step mom that Caleb doesn’t belong there with them but here with me where he’s been since he was a baby! But truth is, he belongs there just as much as he belongs with me 
My ‘baby’ has every right to be with his dad too.
Honestly I don’t know how the heck I’m going to get through this…Saturday is coming way too soon!
Hi.
I don’t have children yet, so I cannot at all say I know where you’re coming from there. But as far as the emotional eating, I have been there before. DON’T DO IT. If you do it, you will have only temporarily felt “better” for as long as it takes to you eat the food, and afterwards you’ll be upset at yourself for doing it. On top of that, you’ll still be upset about your son AND you will have binged. That’s my two cents. 
Hi Cherie, Thank you for commenting. For as much as I was thinking about food I couldn’t end up eating anything at all – too sick to my stomach thinking about everything going on. I have been an emotional eater my entire life so that’s a constant struggle I have.
Aww
I don’t know what to say because I’d be the same way if it were my 2 kiddos. I panic everyday about things that “might” happen to them. *big hugs* breathe, and try to take it a day at a time!
Thank you for your comment Rae Rae J. It’s been less than 24 hours (he ended up not leaving until 1:30pm Sunday) and I’m a wreck. It’s just such a huge adjustment…I don’t know if I can do it!
Hang in there. You are being the best mom by giving your child some freedom. I;m sure it is VERY painful, and I think it is okay to let your son see you cry about it. He should know that his absence will make you sad! Don’t be so hard on yourself with the eating. Now, I’m not advocating you go all out crazy and eat everything in sight. I’m just saying if you you do slip up, cut yourself some slack. This is probably one of THE most traumatic things that will happen to you in your life. Stay strong!
Hey everyone. Thank you for your comments. I’m just trying to make it through the next couple days without losing my sanity. I was up all night crying last night so today I’m even more emotional (guess no sleep will do that to ya). For as much as I wanted to eat everything in sight last night I couldn’t eat anything.
I feel your pain. I don’t know how I’d get through something like that either.
Your reasons for making this decision were good and dad’s are important too.
It’s just an awful thing to have to go through.
Keep breathing.
You know, I’m sure you’ll find other ways to connect with your boy that will be really fulfilling for both of you. I bet your connection will deepen.
And who knows what will happen next.
You’re strong enough and you love him enough to get through this.
I’m so glad you already started venturing out into the world more and having adventures. That will surely help.
big, big hugs
Thanks Teresa for your kind words. Yes, I will get through this. It’s just a matter of learning to not think about the fact that he’s not here 24/7 anymore. IT’s going to be so good for the both of us and I know that this will actually improve our relationship because with only seeing him 4 days a month we won’t have all the little arguments we used to have all the time over nightly homework, etc. Now, it will just be us having 4 days to connect and have fun!
Sending you a SUPER BIG hug! My 11 year old son Cole & I are attached at the hip. I could never be as strong as you’re being… Good luck, sweetie!
Sarah @ Thinfluenced.blogspot.com
Thank you Sarah. I’m just trying to take it minute by minute. It’s been less than 24 hours (he didn’t end up leaving until 1:30 Sunday afternoon) and I’ve cried so many tears that my face is swollen today! It sucks. But I’ll get through it.
Tishia,
I can speak frankly with you because I am not sitting next to you so you cannot hit me.
For what it is worth – I think you should get off your blog, go smother your kid with attention and love, tell him how excited you are for him and how very dearly you will miss him and how he is your love of your life and how very proud you are of him. Ask him if he would not mind if you called him at a certain time every night to talk and have prayer time – that you need it. That letting him go is hard but boy will you miss him and be so excited to see him when he comes back. Put on your adult face and smother those tears down and then let them out later when you are alone in bed or in the shower or whatnot. You have to be strong. It is your job.
I will keep you and your child in my prayers. I KNOW this has to be hard. You CLEARLY love him and want the best for him. Never let him forget that by portraying that in every way possible thru word and deed.
And stay away from the fridge and pantry.
People out here will still be around later.
Massively squeezy hugs.
M
Thanks munchberry. We spent every waking second together this weekend (I had him until Sunday at 1:30pm and enjoyed every last possible second with him!).
Hey, everything will be fine!
Just don’t get yourself sad!
Best wishes from Petra
I know I’m young and don’t have any children yet. But the first thing that popped into my head is this “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” —Proverbs 3:5–6
You can do it girl. Just take it one breathe, one moment, one step, and one day at a time. Lean on God, your friends, and your family…and just keep pressing forward =) Your a strong woman you’ll pull through and move forward continuing to be the wonderful mom and woman that you are!
Thanks Briana.