Time to Make Some Changes!

I haven’t been around here for awhile. I haven’t been on Twitter. I haven’t been on Facebook (until just a few minutes ago when I checked in there to say I was still around!). I haven’t been reading my fellow weight loss/healthy living blogs. I miss all my old peeps that I used to feel so connected and close to (meaning YOU!). And I think deep down it’s because I’m jealous – I’m jealous that so many people keep on keeping on when I just give up – and it’s hard to see others succeed when I’ve thrown all my hard work away. Please don’t get me wrong – I love seeing/hearing success stories of those of you out there that I’ve met through blogging/Twitter/etc. It’s just hard seeing others succeed when I’ve given up and want to be succeeding with them too (hope that made sense).

It’s my own fault. I haven’t made blogging here a priority. Heck, I haven’t made living a healthy life a priority. I couldn’t tell you the last time I even ate something healthy or even drank something healthy! And as for exercise? Ha that’s a joke…unless you consider lifting food to your face exercise or walking to the fridge/cupboard/junk drawer exercise. Yeah, it hasn’t been pretty around here for awhile. Once again my blood pressure is high (go back for a check the first week in July) and my ankles,feet, fingers & even my face are swollen from retaining so much water.

I think about getting up and moving but I’m so out of shape and fat again that it hurts to move. Living in an upstairs apartment just about kills me every time I have to go up & down those steps! I’m so out of breath by the time I get to my car (or in my apartment) I have to sit for a few minutes to catch my breath. It’s beyond RIDICULOUS.

I feel like I shouldn’t be writing this because I’ve been given ‘heck’ in the past for negativity on here and that’s not what people read my blog for (at this point I doubt I even have any readers left seems how I’m not around much). But this is where I’m at right now. When I started this blog I knew I wanted to share my story – even the negative parts.

I have something going on in my life that I haven’t publicly shared with the online world. I wish I could but I can’t. And this thing has been and has to be top priority for awhile…a long while – it’s not something that just goes away or has a quick fix to it. Because this has been a priority, other areas (healthy living/exercise/etc) of my life have been pushed to the back burner. Even my therapist wants me only focusing on this one area of my life…and while I agree with her I’ve also been using that as an excuse to continue ‘killing’ myself with the way I eat and no physical activity. It’s like my brain keeps telling me it’s ok to not focus on eating healthy/exercise because a professional told me something else is more important. I know it’s messed up thinking. But, interestingly I’m starting to realize that if I’m going to spend so much time and working so hard on this other thing going on in my life to get ‘healthy’ there – I want every area of my life to be healthy.

I have outgrown my fattest fat clothes.

I can barely button up my 24 jeans – I’ve never been in a 26 before and I really don’t want to go there now!

I’ve outgrown the 2x men’s t-shirts I wear (well I can still wear them but they are super snug on my stomach and boobs).

For the first time in I don’t know how long (aside from the doctor’s office back in April) I stepped on the scale. And I sat down in the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. I weighed in at 320 lbs – now officially the heaviest I’ve ever been!

I need help. I need to get a grip. I need to take back my life because if I don’t…I soon won’t have a life to worry about! I’ve been told before by doctor’s I’m killing myself with the way I eat but it’s never made me stop and do something about it. And once again, I heard that same phrase and it didn’t make me do anything about it. But I know I NEED to. I know I DESERVE to. Damn it, I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be living a better life than I am living (because of my weight/health).

I’m sick and tired of sitting in my apartment gorging myself on food (the binging and purging I’ve talked about in the past isn’t even an issue anymore because I eat so much now that many times I throw up on my own – tell me that’s not insane!), feeling sorry for myself and watching life slip right past me. It’s time to do something! What? I don’t know. I know it’s going to have to be baby steps because once again I’ve let myself get so bad. I know probably the best place to start is with my Diet Coke addiction. I have to start drinking some water and lots of it!

So, who’s with me? Who’s ready to get back on track (or up their game if you’ve been on track) and take back control of their life? Please share one thing you are going to focus on over the course of the next week to help you be healthy! I’m going to work on my water intake (increasing it drastically…of course right now 1 glass a day would be increasing it drastically from what I’ve been drinking – none!) and cutting back on the Diet Coke.


19 Responses to Time to Make Some Changes!

  1. Andrea says:

    I love this post. This is your blog and you can post what you want to post, be it positive or negative. People have to know that everyone has setbacks. I have been in a huge rut lately, and have gained back all the weight I lost a while ago, plus some. So I’m glad to know it is not just me. We are human and we each deal with stress and life in different ways. Mine, unfortunately, is by eating too much unhealthy food and not exercising. I’m with you! Let’s get back on track. Something I want to focus on is no late night snacking.

  2. Katie J says:

    I see myself in this post. I really do. At my heaviest I was 315 lbs. and binging and purging just like you. My health was spiraling out of control and I was knocking on deaths door.

    You deserve to be healthy and happy. It is not going to happen overnight but you are worth the time and effort.

    I take a water pill to help with the excess fluid. I imagine your doctor will put you on one to help with the BP and the retention.

    We are here for you! PLEASE don’t give up on yourself!

  3. Serena Casey says:

    Tishia, I can totally relate to your feelings. Don’t worry about being negative; sure, a positive mindset is important but there’s nothing wrong with being honest about how you’re feeling.

    I too am always struggling and starting over and stopping and starting over again.

    But we can’t quit! It’s terribly hard but we have to keep trying. 🙂

  4. Kendra says:

    As i sit hear hearing this it brings tears to my eyes because this women you describe as yourself is also ME! Two years ago i decided to lose weight and did really really well i lost almost fifty pounds and never felt better or more entergentic then i have ever in my life my weight then was 207 .Last week i weighed my self and i was 269 the heaviest i have ever been in my life including al three of my pregnancies i think i have hit bottom seeing this number and have been searching for a way to get back on track and reading this today has inspired me to do just that because obvisously i am not alone:)

  5. Sharilee says:

    Oh wow. I can relate to this post so much. I don’t have any answers but can only say that I am in a very similar place as you are. I’ve been negligent and careless on getting healthy, feeling hopeless as I watch myself go downhill. I also have had things in the “real world” that have distracted me from my goals.

    Thank you for being honest and sharing. Every honest post like this helps others who are in the same place because we feel less alone, and therefore more able to get past it. Know that you are not the only one to feel this way. I have binged lately, too. I have lost progress. But somewhere inside both of us is still the girl that wants to do better and have a better life. We have to look inside and find her.


  6. {{HUGS}} I have so been here!!! One step at a time.

    • Donna says:

      Wow, does this entry speak to me. I have been there so many times that I can’t begin to count. I could falter tomorrow and get off track, but have been at this WW thing since last July. I joined after seeing my picture at a wedding, joined on my birthday. I’m taking the slow route. I started at 309 and hope to be 50 pounds lighter by my birthday this year and will work on another 50 in the following year.

      I only mention that because at age 55, I finally said “enough!” A life of large clothes, not being comfortable, and just plain not feeling good (not to mention my two new knees that I need to take care of), and I was just sick of it.

      I am with you on this. Let’s (get on and) stay on track!

  7. Maria in NJ says:

    Tisha hi…yes, I too have gained back all my weight that I lost 5 years ago, and then some. I am heavier now than at my highest back in HS. I had to do something I was so out of control. I think you kind of get to a point where you say to yourself, this is crazy, I am going to just keep on getting fatter if I don’t do something. So I joined Weight Watchers and my first week I lost 7.4. It was a good head start. I really needed to do this for me. Tisha please, you are such a beautiful girl, please try WW again, it does work, but you have to want it and believe that you are worth it and you are. I will keep in touch…Maria

  8. Ingrid says:

    Hi Tishia,

    I don’t usually comment on blogs (I guess I am more the “quiet stalker” type :-)), but I have to react to this one. Like many of the other girls, I can recognise myself in your words. We vow to never get over our all time high and unfortunately yoyo-ing up and down, we end up in a place we don’t want to be.

    I have the same amount of weight to lose as you do and when the road ahead is so long, it is easy to get discouraged. I had a big scare when I stepped on the scales last week : I almost maxed them out and I don’t ever want to see an error message on them. 150kg would really be the point of no return for me. So for the umptieth time, I got back on the WW train. Hopefully this time I will not get off before I reach my destination. I am trying out the public accountability by blogging about it too. Feel free to check it out.

    As for making a “negative” post, this is your blog, your place to vent, rant, rave whatever. And if someone doesn’t like what you write, let them go and read another blog.

    And my goal of this week? Keeping up to drink my 2 liters of water, as I have been doing since I started dieting again.

    You are not alone in this and as Maria above said “You’re worth it!”

    Take care.

  9. Donna says:

    Hey Trish! How’s it going?

    We still in this thing together? 🙂

  10. admin says:

    Ok, well I don’t know what’s going on but I have tried to respond to each comment individually twice now but my comments aren’t showing up. They aren’t being marked as spam in WordPress so I guess my website is just choosing to eat my own comments? 🙁

    So, I’m trying to make this comment now instead of responding to each individual one to see if this works. If it does, I’m sorry I couldn’t address each one of you individually. Your comments mean a lot to me & I appreciate the time you all took to write them!

  11. Maria in NJ says:

    Hi Tisha I am worried about you, how is everything going? Plese give us an update and let us know how you are…m

    • admin says:

      Hi Maria! I started a post to update everyone on how things are going. I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t had a chance to finish that post. I meant to do it this weekend but I needed some serious down time and the last thing I wanted to do was be anywhere near my computer (working from home means I’m on it all week long & I had a few 12 hour days last week). I guess I should just schedule blog posting into my schedule then maybe it would actually get done! (I’m doing ok by the way lol)

  12. Hi Tish,

    Not sure how I stumbled onto your blog but I am happy I did. I have been struggling with being overweight my entire life and I set out this year to focus on living a healthier lifestyle and am failing miserably. I was 315 last week, the heaviest I have ever been. What I am trying to focus on at this time is portion control.

    Look forward to following your progress.

    Isabel Valdes´s last blog post ..Introducing: The Love Story

    • Jen says:

      Hi Tish – Just checking in on you and seeing how it’s going. Did you up your water intake? You know you’re not alone in this! We’re all in this together…. I hope you update us soon.

      • admin says:

        Hey Jen! Yes I did up my water intake. I haven’t had any Diet Coke since Saturday, June 23rd! I don’t miss it like I thought I would, although yesterday I was craving it really bad!

        I have an update post started, it’s just a matter of making the time to finish it!

    • admin says:

      Hi Isabel! I’m so happy you did stumble across my blog. It sounds like we have a lot in common – I too have been overweight my entire life & I too weigh the heaviest I have ever weighed right now.

  13. Amanda says:

    Hi Tish,
    Stumbled upon your website and had to comment. I have struggled with my weight (real and imagined…I’d love to be at the college weight I used to think was too heavy!) all my life. I have joined WW more times than I care to count, and now I’m at it again. A good friend sent me a verse from Deuteronomy that said “You have been circling this mountain long enough”. Ouch. Struggling with weight has been a part of my whole adult life. It’s time to do something about it. Another quote I’ve read is “Being fat is hard. Dieting is hard. Choose your hard.”. You are worth it. Yes this is a hard journey, but no more difficult than the struggle that life can be when you are heavier than you want to be and unhappy. Hang in there! You can do this.

  14. Danielle says:

    I understand girl!